Raise it with your manager!

The outburst

If you talk to your manager whilst you are feeling wound up or troubled, you might find yourself getting your point across with a lot of uncontrollable emotion. This is often a good state to be in if you need the driving force of anger to open your mouth. Something has happened which is the last straw. ‘Enough is enough’ you say, and you storm into their office (not quite so effective online). But be aware! What comes out may come from a deep and pent-up place and once you start on a tirade, you might not be able to stop. You may say things that you later regret, or you may cry, swear, or shout and afterwards feel humiliated. It’s a risky strategy. But if you’re the kind of person who can achieve impact without malice, it may be a good strategy to quickly overcome an obstacle, dust off and move on.

Pointing the finger

On the other hand, if you are raising something that also upsets many people, and you are in a meeting, they may be grateful that you’ve ‘taken the hit’ for the team by throwing the cards up in the air and forcing a restart of the game. Even if it wasn’t pretty, they’ll applaud your honesty and bravery, but you will have to recover from having put yourself publicly in a vulnerable position. If you have the support of too many people, the target of your outburst may be a person who then feels humiliated and angry. You have transferred the pain to someone else, who knows what they will do with it.

A spirit of opportunistic calm

You may make the decision to raise it with your manager, but also agree with yourself to find the right moment. The right moment could be days or weeks later, when you have calmed down and you’ve taken time to reflect and taken a more objective view. It’s easier to know how other people’s actions make you feel, than it is to know why they have acted the way they did. If you’re feeling angry, you are more likely to accredit them with negative motivation, when, in fact, they may just be getting on with their own work and harming you was unintentional. Finding a way to raise your issue may involve waiting until the issue, or a topic close to the issue, is brought into the discussion naturally, and using that moment as an opportunity to raise your point.

Give your discussion a structure

If you know you are having a meeting with your manager and you are ready to raise your issue, write a list of the things you want to cover in the meeting. Start with some easy topics and finish on your more challenging issue. In that way, you have had a bit of a warm-up conversation and you can assess whether today is a good day for your manager to be receptive. They’re only human and if they are in the middle of a troubling time themselves, you’re not going to get the best response from them. So, use some easier agenda topics to assess their mood.

Be your own coach

Whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up about it. You know that you have a difficult topic to raise. It may seem easy for other people to raise it, but you are you and don’t be too hard on yourself. Be patient, respectful and true to yourself and you’ll get there in the end. If your manager is a respectful person, they will help you to look for a solution.

Protect yourself

Very few people are psychopaths, but some can be bit insensitive and when they are in a hierarchical role, they may also be under pressure from their boss. If you try to raise an issue and they dismiss you or make you feel humiliated, then it’s time to escalate to someone who will listen. Or, if insensitivity is endemic in the company, keep your head down, and take strength from kind colleagues until you can find a new job. Protect your spirit like it’s your child!

Go blossom!